Notes from the River

Happy Hanukkah/Chanukah folks! To celebrate this year, I have already forgotten it’s Hanukkah twice, conveniently ignored the fact that I’m half WASP, and also I made latkes three weeks ago for a Friendsgiving.

My mom, on the other hand, is fully into the Hanukkah spirit. To celebrate the adoption of her brother’s new (and already beloved) dachshund, my mom gifted him a sausage dog themed Hanukkiah (see fig. 1).

This unique piece of Judaica finally answers the age old debate: are dachshunds Jewish? Yes, obviously.

This led me down the rabbit hole of which other dog breeds are Jewish or not. I stress, this is not based on any facts or research, purely by my (almost always correct) intuition.

Schnauzers are Jewish, no argument needed. So are most greyhounds, shih tzus, and borzois. Whippets, bichon frisés, and Irish wolfhounds also go to shul. Unfortunately, those oodles with the creepily human eyes are also Jewish, on account of their hypoallergenic fur and dander (side note: my cousin calls them Jew-dles).

I’d like to think that pulis are Jewish (curly hair and all) but I think my judgment is clouded by the fact that my cousin has a puli who does seem Jewish, but more like it was her personal choice to convert.

I think poodles are debatable. Toy poodles are extremely popular among urban retired Jews, but full sized poodles seem like they’d run in the same circles as a certain Parisian designer in the 1940’s (if you catch my drift).

Rottweilers and German shepherds aren’t Jewish (no explanation necessary). Neither are labradors or golden retrievers (they’d eat the afikomen before you could find it).

All of the famous movie dogs also aren’t Jewish – Lassie, Beethoven, Marmaduke, Toto, and Clifford the Big Red Dog all spend their Sundays at church. Any dog that looks like it’d fit into a British estate (spaniels, terriers, corgis, etc.) is decidedly Episcopalian.

Beagles aren’t Jewish but they have a lot of Jewish friends. Same goes for chihuahuas and shibas.

That’s all of the dog breeds I can bear to categorize arbitrarily for now… And for those of you wondering about cats? Well, this is to be continued…